So You’re in Court with a Narcissist.
What to Expect: An Informational Guide.
Part 1
By Jillian M. Tindall, Esq.
All rights reserved. Portions copyrighted.
WARNING: The Following Information is Not Legal Advice
Any and all information obtained from
this document is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. The following
information is not meant to direct the actions of the person(s) reading/viewing
it, and the reader/viewer is directed specifically to never take action on any
information provided in this document. Instead, the person reviewing such
information should consult a competent attorney in their own jurisdiction for
professional legal advice based upon their own specific facts and
circumstances. The following consideration points are for the reader’s
information only.
What
is Narcissism? Narcissistic Personality Disorder has been simplistically
defined as possessing an exaggerated sense of self importance. The American Psychological Association’s
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has identified nine key
traits associated with NPD. These can
include the following characteristics:
-Possessing
a grand sense of self-importance.
-Preoccupation with fantasies of limitless
success, power, intelligence, beauty, ideal love.
-Belief that the person is exceptional or unique,
and can only be understood by or should associate with other high-status
people.
-Requiring excessive admiration, frequently
fishing for or expecting compliments, or having a susceptibility to flattery.
-Operating from a sense of entitlement.
-Is exploitative in interpersonal
transactions.
-Lacking empathy, unable or averse to
identify with the feelings and needs of others.
-Frequently envies others or believes that
they are the object of other’s envy.
-Displays attitudes/behaviors that are
conceited, discourteous, insulting, and offensive.
A more detailed discussion of the above
traits would be beyond the scope of the purpose of this informative guide. Chances
are, if you are reading this material, you already have identified the Narcissist
and are wondering what to expect when litigating against a person having these
qualities, which quickly can become a nightmare.
The
Road Ahead If you are
preparing to litigate with a Narcissist, you may expect the matter to be highly
contested. If you are retaining legal
counsel, you might want to consider engaging an Attorney who has considerable
experience with Narcissistic Abuse and is familiar with the crazy making that
always accompanies interacting with such a person. The Narcissist is not a normal person, and it would be a mistake to believe that they
will abide by the Court’s Orders and respect the litigation process as a
typical person would. Far from it. In
fact, for the Narcissist, the litigation process presents a wealth of
opportunity for obtaining Narcissistic supply (attention) that the Narcissist
so vehemently craves.
Due to the nature of the disorder, the
Narcissist likely will use unfair tactics to try and gain the upper hand in the
litigation. These tactics could include flatly
refusing to honor the Court’s Orders, creative “interpreting” of Court Orders (in
the Narcissist’s favor), refusing to comply with litigation discovery/disclosure
requests, stalking and harassment, employing third parties (“flying monkeys”) to
gain tactical information for later use in Court, illegally accessing bank
accounts, email accounts, social media accounts, and tragically, involving the
minor children in the litigation through the use of bribery, emotional
blackmail, creating loyalty binds, or attempting to influence them by speaking
badly of you and anyone supporting you.
Child
Custody and Visitation Exchanges The Narcissist
likely will have a vendetta to get even with you for simply filing suit (or
responding to it if the Narcissist filed first), and may try to mastermind some
sort of scuffle or incident, where in the Narcissist will claim abuse, and
either involve the police or Child Protective Services. If you suspect this,
you may want to exchange children in a public location with a third-party, or accomplish
the child exchange through a third-party entirely. Either way, seek a clear
order from the Court so that you are hopefully are protected, including times,
locations, and parties allowed to be present.
It may be helpful to consider:
-Which exchange locations are
best?
-Are curb exchanges (when the
children get in an out of the car themselves) reasonable?
-Do you want to designate a third
party to go along or go for you? If so,
who?
-After a certain time window, when
is it okay to leave if the Narcissist does not show?
-If the Narcissist doesn’t show
up, how can you prove the length of time you waited?
Communication Issues– What to Consider For
parental phone access to children, it may be helpful to get specific times for
phone calls and an Order for cell-to-cell contact, so there is an established
record of communication between numbers. The Narcissist may use contacting the
children as a means to harass you, either calling at inopportune times, or
frequency of calls. Are there certain
times, such as early morning when children are getting ready for school, meal
times, or homework times that will not work?
If so, it is likely that the Narcissist will call during such times, and then later cry foul in Court, alleging
that you are restricting access. Further, it may be possible to ask the Court
for permission in advance to record phone calls if you believe
brainwashing/improper influence will be a problem.
-What phone contact is
reasonable?
-What hours and days should the
calls occur?
-Should the calls be cell-to-cell
or something different?
-Is recording phone calls necessary
in my case? If so, why?
Interim Communications with the Narcissist For some of the above reasons,
communicating with the Narcissist can be difficult. They may either call to harass/insult/upset
you, under the guise of “legitimate” parental concerns. It may be helpful to
obtain a clear Order limiting phone calls to emergencies only, and if so, you
will want to define “emergency” in the Court Order. It may be best to limit all
communications to either phone texts and/or email. If you will communicate by text, seek clear
hours for texting, absent an emergency.
For email, there are programs
available to assist with parental communication such as Our Family Wizard and
Talking Parents. With Our Family Wizard, the Court can access the email
communications, and parents can upload and share school reports, medical bills,
and other documents relevant to co-parenting children. Regardless, it will be
important to keep any communications short, and solely related to the issues at
hand. Communicate by email or text message if possible and do not trust
anything the Narcissist says; obtain any custodial and visitation agreements
and negotiations in writing only.
-Is email and/or texting feasible
in your case?
-If texting, what hours are
acceptable, and what constitutes an “emergency?”
-Do you want to ask the Court to
use a special email service? Who pays
for it?
If you
do not have children with the Narcissist, you may want to consider asking the
Court for all communications to be via email only. If you are considering
asking that communications go through attorneys only, please consider that the
Narcissist may use such an order as a platform to greatly increase your
attorney’s fees via a deluge of communications, especially if the Narcissist is
acting as his or her own counsel.
Interim Orders for Support If the Court orders child support or spousal support, be
sure to have the Court specify a beginning date for payments and a specific day
of each month thereafter that such payments are due. This also applies to
temporary orders for attorneys fees.
-How does the other party get paid,
and what are the dates?
-Are you asking for back support (support prior to the action)?
It is likely that the Narcissist
will refuse to follow any Court orders, so the more specific, the easier it
will be to pursue contempt sanctions and/or report violations to the judge. It
is also probable that the Narcissist may even go against the advice of his or
her counsel; thus, clear enforceable Orders will be a necessity with clear
amounts and due dates written in the Order, perhaps along with clear
descriptions of how such payments
will be made (via garnishment, direct deposit, etc.) and if possible, avoid
Orders allowing the Narcissist to pay you in person.
This article is continued in Part 2.
